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【美文欣赏】古代的家训

2017-09-06 05:21:43   中国青年网

押沙龙

教育小孩是件非常难把握的事。孩子有自己的个性,外部环境又千变万化,家长就算有一肚子正确的三观、先进的知识,有时候也拿孩子无可奈何。在我看来,古人在这方面的困惑,不比我们少。

在古时候,做父亲的是不大肯和孩子亲密的。陈亢听说孔子“远其子”,不怎么搭理孔鲤,就佩服得不得了,说君子就该这样。我翻过一些这些君子们留下的家训,有没有道理我不敢说,但它们的风格让我想起一个人,《围城》里方鸿渐的爸爸。方遁翁不放过任何一次训诫儿子的机会,格言警句随时处于井喷状态。可惜方鸿渐不太愿意听。我就不信方鸿渐受不了的东西,古代的孩子会欢喜受用。

我总怀疑这些家训是一种表演性的东西,仪式感大于内容。倒是乱世时的一些家训,顾不上太多粉饰,反而能看出一些真实情形。比如嵇康的《家诫》,就非常诚恳。嵇康这个人洒脱而骄傲,他看见不喜欢的人,断然不肯敷衍,也正因为这个性格,才招来了杀身之祸。可他在《家诫》里却处处教导孩子要随和,要圆滑。鲁迅总结过嵇康的这个家诫,大致是这样子的:“有一条是长官处不可常去,亦不可住宿;长官送人们出来时,你不要在后面,因为恐怕将来长官惩办坏人时,你有暗中密告的嫌疑。又有一条是说宴饮时候有人争论,你可立刻走开,免得在旁批评,因为两者之间必有对与不对,不批评则不像样,一批评就总要是甲非乙,不免受一方见怪。还有人要你饮酒,即使不愿饮也不要坚决地推辞,必须和和气气地拿着杯子。”

说起来真是很庸俗,但是做家长的也可以理解:我不希望你特立独行,也不盼望你出类拔萃,我只希望你快快乐乐,庸俗而安全地过一辈子。你可能不赞同嵇康的说法,但总该能体会到那份真实的父母之心。

可惜儿子嵇绍偏偏不吃这一套。嵇康说不要参加别人的争论,可嵇绍最喜欢品评是非。《晋书·嵇绍传》里有一多半篇幅都是他在讲这不对、那不对。嵇绍参加过一次宴会,权倾天下的齐王冏听说嵇绍擅长弹琴,就请他给大家弹一曲琴。按照父亲的教诲,就算不愿意弹,也应该和和气气拿着琴拨弄两下嘛。可是嵇绍不但不弹,反而拿起大道理把齐王冏数落了一番,弄得对方“大惭”。最后嵇绍为了保护晋惠帝而死。嵇康的一篇《家诫》竟是白写了。

现代的父母如果回到古代乱世,会写出什么样的家训呢?方遁翁体显得太高调而不切实际,嵇康体又显得有点过于三观不正,我猜想他们写出来的,多半会是《颜氏家训》那样的东西。颜之推生活在乱世,有过险些杀身的经历,所以家训极少唱高调,排比句也少。但是他又不肯像嵇康说得那么俗气,还是想给孩子留下一点理想和信念的空间,所以竭力在三观和安全之间做平衡。就像他说,“生不可不惜,不可苟惜”,既怕孩子良心变坏,又怕孩子良心太好,有点像现代家长“摔倒的老人不可不扶,不可瞎扶”的左右为难。

现代年轻人喜欢说代沟,其实古代一样有代沟。颜之推辛苦写《家训》的时候,大约以为有了这些处世技巧,就算在乱世也足以活命存身,可他哪里能想到儿子会面临一个人吃人的时代呢?方遁翁可以恨儿子不虚心受教,嵇康可以恨儿子叛逆,颜之推恨的却只能是时代的变迁。这样说起来,他们面临的困惑和现代家长也是相差无几。

(摘自《财新周刊》2017年第16期)

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