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爱是需要成长的

2017-08-18 07:27:16   中国青年网

渡边和子

有一天,我的一个学生拿着一张她丈夫的照片来找我。她丈夫刚刚只身去了美国工作。照片中,她丈夫和几个朋友正开心地说着什么。

“太好啦,他好像已经习惯那里的生活了。”一听我这么说,这个学生表情严肃地说道:“我不在他的身边,他竟然还能过得这么开心,简直不可原谅。”他们的恋爱和婚姻都曾遭到父母的强烈反对,好不容易才走到了一起。当时结婚还不到一年,作为妻子的她在话语间流露出的与其说是寂寞,不如说是愤怒。

我觉得爱真是一件了不起的事情,但是真心去爱的同时也会带来痛苦,这种痛苦和没有爱人时的寂寞不同,这是因爱而生的痛苦。自己不在爱人的身边,而他(她)却过得非常快乐。在生气的同时,我们流露出来的是“没有我的幸福是不能被允许的”,这是占有欲和嫉妒。

尽管我们都希望能和相爱的人美满、幸福地过完这辈子,但是我们想把爱的人一辈子拴在身边也是不可能的。无论是父母对子女的爱,还是夫妻、恋人、朋友之间的爱,这都需要有觉悟。

以前的我认为若是相爱的话就应该把爱的人绑在身边,而自己也甘愿被爱的人俘获。然而,真正成熟的爱应该是经历了从“束缚之爱”到“解放之爱”的成长。

爱是需要成长的,这种成长是从总想两个人合二为一,总想看清所爱的人的所思所想,渐渐蜕变为允许对方有属于自己的专属世界,两个人之间保持一定的距离,用信任将这距离填满的过程。

(摘自《看不见的珍贵:赋予你内心的安宁与坚强》,机械工业出版社出版)

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