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父亲脑海中的橡皮擦

2017-08-18 04:21:40   中国青年网

从客厅到厨房,再到阳台,现在是父亲的疆域。

自从前年冬天在酷寒的夜里险些找不到家,父亲就很少下楼了。之前他还能到附近市场买菜,或到饺子馆吃午饭。父亲经常拿着百元大钞买几根葱或买二斤肉,不等找零就走了。父亲一度天天买肉、绞肉馅,冰箱都装不下了;一度爱买香其酱,家里经常放着十几袋。我们说,就当是父亲撒些零钱做善事了。那时父亲还能下楼走动,还能走回自己的家。自从那次找不到家,冰天雪地里冻了大半夜,父亲一度被反锁在家里。现在不必反锁了,父亲已经没有外出的欲望了。

家里空荡荡的。上班上学的走了,从早6点半到晚6点半,父亲在他的疆域里巡视,无人说话。电视渐渐也想不起打开看。报纸,从看报,到叠报,叠得整整齐齐,码成一摞儿。渐渐地,父亲的脚步慢了,一点一点地挪动。沙发矮,他一次一次地试图起来,又一次次跌坐,像发动马达似的,最后,使很大劲,头和身子费力地向前探,屁股撅着,才能慢慢从沙发里站起来,直起腰。刚站起来还有一些摇晃,父亲伸着两只胳膊维持着平衡,停片刻,感觉稳当了,才小心地挪出一小步。一点一点挪,有可以扶的桌、柜、墙,他都依靠着;无所依靠时,就摆动着胳膊,迈着京剧里老员外的那种步子,慢慢地晃着、挪着。我知道以后打电话,要等着多响几声,等父亲从沙发里艰难起身,一步一步来接电话。

父亲一步一步挪过长长的客厅,到他转进厨房,我可以看完两页书。我悄悄起身,跟过去,看见父亲在厨房里这儿摸摸,那儿摸摸,又挪到阳台上,不知要干什么,也是摸摸,抚抚。然后转回来,站在卧室门口,停下,半天一动不动,茫然,后来伸手弄了弄门边角柜上摆着的零零碎碎,就退出来,还把卧室门关上了。父亲一生勤劳,白天从不肯上床睡一会儿,虽然现在他更多的时候是坐在沙发里打盹。

睡着的父亲还像是原来的父亲。他脑中的那块橡皮擦是一刻不停地擦着,还是也有时停一下?最初,擦去一点记忆时,谁也没有察觉;等到又擦去一些,父亲就失去了对时间的感知,常常把一日当成几天;渐渐地,在亲人的错愕和轻忽中,父亲对于自己的记忆失去了自信。当我在电话中问他,姑姑最近来了没有?宝宝还上课外班吗?他不再给出肯定回答,经常是说“好像吧”,“我没怎么注意”,还爽朗地抱歉似的笑两声,到被我问到第四问、第五问时,他干脆投降,诚恳地说:“我记不清了。”这样考问他,我常常觉得伤了他的自尊。

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