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走出了时间的母亲
2017-08-26 04:26:46 中国青年网
我以为时间还够,会有时间的。
我以为,时间还够充裕,我会有时间来陪自己的母亲,陪她说话,陪她包饺子并在她的注视下一个个地吃下去,陪她去一个她想去的远方,陪她……她不过是去做一个小手术。一个小手术,而已。她那么健壮,还不曾衰老,我以为会有时间的,一切都来得及。
可是她就去了,在我的时间里再也找不到她了。她的“解放脚”竟然走得那么快,而且,是带着疼痛走的。一想到这里,我的心就有刀割的感觉,我知道她其实更疼。可她没说,不肯说,她说的是:玉峰啊,你是公家人啊,那么大个厂子呢,你不用陪我,有你姐姐和兴芹,我能有什么事。
其实在那时候,胃壁穿透造成的渗血已经弥漫了母亲的整个腹腔。她的笑容是挤出来的,可我竟然没有察觉。我不知道自己怎么会那样麻木,我不知道,这个简单的小手术竟然已经是事故,实习医生的不当操作击透了她的胃管。她说会好的,她没事,她在疼痛里安慰我和家人们,仿佛她可以把疼痛封存在另一个地方。那时候,她的时间已经所剩无几,可我还那么麻木。我承认那时是我工作最为繁重的时候,最为要劲的时候,最多头绪的时候,但这丝毫不能让我的愧疚减少半分。
我没曾去医院陪她,一天也没有,只有在她临终的时刻,直到她的时间用完,走到时间的外面去。姐姐说母亲最疼的是我,妻子兴芹说母亲最疼的人是我,我知道。我当然知道,我只是没有想到她会这样离开。我觉得她的时间应该是宽裕的,还有许许多多的好年华好日子我能给她,我可以在未来的时间里给她。然而她不肯给我这样的机会,她的时间用完了。在接到电话里“母亲去了”的那一刻,我的眼前一片厚厚的黑暗。即使现在,一想起那个时刻,那份黑暗还会骤然地降下来,眼里的泪水还会不自觉地涌出来。
从此两隔,从此两茫茫。6个孩子的呼喊也不能把她喊回来。她走了,活着的时候她的耳朵好着呢。姐姐在远处说话,我还没有骑进院子的自行车响,她都能听得一清二楚。她听见,就会伸长脖子向外面张望或者走到门口,走到外面的阳光里去……但这时,她不肯再做应答,也不肯再走到门口来接我们了。2008年,母亲去世后的第3年,我回家,推开院门的刹那,竟不自觉地喊了声,娘,我回来了——喊完这句话,我才意识到母亲已经不在了,她离开很久很久了——站在院子里,我看着满院子疯长的草,看着下午的阳光和树叶的影子,看着堆在墙角的那些旧物和空荡荡的窗,看着屋门和门上的锁,又一次心如刀割。整个下午,我关好院门,一个人在院子里蹲着,哭着,和走出时间去的母亲说着话,一直到天色暗下来。我对母亲说我记得你的苦,记得你的疼和爱,你给我的我一一都记得,我忘不了。我记得那些苦日子你是怎么过来的,我记得父亲去世时我对你的承诺,“我要长到大树那么大的时候,就种王伯伯家那么甜的瓜给你吃”——那时我才3岁。多年里,你一直记得我的这句承诺,我知道对你来说它是苦日子里的话梅,你把它在窗棂上挂着,在织布机上挂着,在空荡荡的、只有蚂蚁才能找到些窝头碎屑的细柳筐里挂着,每当心里的苦泛滥成河的时候就朝它看上一两眼……儿子不孝。儿子没有种出那么甜的瓜来给你吃,儿子不孝。临走的时候,我又一次朝着院子里喊了一声,娘,我走啦,你可照顾好自己啊!我是喊给自己听的。
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